i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
