yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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