We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
