I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
