no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
