so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
