turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize