i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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