I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
