im about as happy as oj after his trial
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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