I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
