Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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