Moan for me like Helen Keller
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
