he thought i was a dude.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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