so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
