And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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