you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
