Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
