He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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