I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
