my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
