that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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