I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
