she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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