When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
