I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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