so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
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and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
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I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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