things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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