Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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