Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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