Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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