True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
