He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
