I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
