Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
