I just threw up on my dentist
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
