ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
