I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
