my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
