i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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