I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
