I'm jealous of your bromance
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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