They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
