he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
