thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
