If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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