The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
