i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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