I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
