she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize