Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
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