I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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