Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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