dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize