Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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