I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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